Having initially stuck with my goal of publishing something here weekly during the first couple of months of 2019, it has now been four months since my last confession post.
Unlike past lapses in writing discipline, this time I can point to a significant - and entirely unexpected - diversion (which is the void into which all of the words I might've written disappeared): Conversio was recently acquired and we're now part of the CM Group.
There is a lot that I still have to digest and just experience (even if it's only on infinite loop in my mind) before I share anything coherent about the journey towards and experience of the acquisition. I have learnt a lot in a short space of time (that is what drinking from a firehose does), but for the moment most of those insights are overshadowed by an overwhelm of sorts that is a result of proximity and recency.
The one realisation that has crystallised for me is something that has been top-of-mind for me for a while. I first spoke about this on Twitter a couple of weeks ago (read the whole thread):
1/ Listened to @zenfounder’s latest episode about erotic energy this week: https://t.co/D66nE69YCN
— adii (@adii) September 18, 2019
Oo la la. Right?
What stuck with me though is in which cases people should get divorced. Which is no simple consideration in any situation.
Selling Conversio is my second experience in doing so (WooThemes / WooCommerce was the first) and both have been significant, cathartic experiences for many similar and different reasons.
What has struck me in the weeks since the transaction closed is that many of the questions I have about myself and life still remains. I wasn't expecting to suddenly have a clear and concise answer to "What is the meaning of (my) life?", but on some level of my consciousness, I believe that I had hoped that a single transaction (and at least one of this magnitude) would just tick a bunch of boxes in an instant.
The truth is that the experience has just intensified the journey that I had already been on. This single event is naturally significant and it many ways it influences my journey, but its predominant effect has been one of amplification:
When I have been still in the last couple of weeks, I've never heard the thoughts, ideas and questions louder. I have never been more curious about what could be next and felt more ambitious to reveal more of my truth in this universe. I have yearned for connection and diversity in ways from which I had isolated myself for years.
This has been without a doubt a tipping point. My expectation was that it would tip me elsewhere. What it has done is pour more fuel on my flames.
Without knowing it at the time, part of me was already preparing for this experience when I wrote this poem earlier this year:
To become
You have to go within
Into your own fullness
The chaos of everything of you
This is not a phoenix rising
That would release your magic
And deplete your power
It is staying close to your core
Your beating heart, the epicentre
Comfortably in discomfort
Stay within long enough
And all of you will emanate beyond your body
Your magic will transcend the layers of your skin
You will be a force for good regardless of your muscles
And you will remain your own energy source
Neither burning out
Nor fading away
I am not a new character on this path; my experience of this journey has just evolved. Every morning, I set a new goal and make the same commitment anew: to show up with all of me.
I hope that this is as much a rallying cry for you, as it is a manifesto for me.